I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
