If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
