I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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