I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
