ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
