i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
