soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
