He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Randomize
