The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
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