Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
