Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
