The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
