Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
