my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
