Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
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