Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
