I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
