Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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