I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
