why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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