Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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