Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
