we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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