im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize