i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How's work?
Spinning.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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