i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
