I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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