Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize