I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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