I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
