i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
