She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
