God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
