Will you blow on my dice?
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
