i was born a porn star she said
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
