someone threw a dead crab at me
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
