there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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