1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
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