Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
