We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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