he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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