I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
