Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
