That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
