It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
worst night to have a conscience
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
