just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
