i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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