Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
