8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
