I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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