you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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