I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
