I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
