If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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