So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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