Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
