I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I wish there were birth control emojis
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
