its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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