Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
