i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
