I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
