I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
