I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
