she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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