My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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