You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
