I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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